I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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