his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
