she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
