trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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