The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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