Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
