i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
