If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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