I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
