I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All I want is dick and wine.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
