I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize