Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
