My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
