this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
