I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
