Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
