It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
