I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
