So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Life is so much better after having sex.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
