I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
