Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
