So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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