who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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