Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize