He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
