I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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