Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
