It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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