There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
