OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
