she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
