I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
