Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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