the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
