We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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