i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
