Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
