im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
