Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize