I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Watching her eat just hurts me
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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