Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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