I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
