My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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