I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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