I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
