yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
