I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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