oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
