Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
