if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
