Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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