I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I currently don't understand fingers.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
