I wish I could punch you in the face.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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