We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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