i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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