I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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