I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
