Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
