I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
